rough magic

almost a year later and a little LJ betrayal

2008-05-23T22:45:33Z

it's been a long time since my last post; clearly a lot's happened. i've completed my pre-requisites, and i was accepted to my nursing school of choice! classes begin next month; the whole program is seven quarters in length -- six plus a full time residency.

on TOP of all that excitement, i am moving in with the BF at the end of the month. it's pretty crazy.

the lj betrayal comes in here. i've started a blog about nursing school and the like on blogger. the interface is more friendly to my eyes, and it's a lot more customizable and "linked in" with the blogosphere than LJ. i'll still be stopping by here from time to time, but my main posts will be on blogger from here on out. i invite you all to stop by and take a gander -- it's the same name (windy city lotus) and the link is here: http://lillotusblossom.blogspot.com/

it's been a great community here and i'm going to miss y'all. i'm also taking some of you with me -- i linked a few of your blogs onto my new blog so you're not so far away :). hope it's okay, and i hope you can stop by!

from hell and misery to happiness and meaning

2007-05-29T23:56:38Z

today was the first day of summer session classes at UIC. chem lab --- usual first day directions and safety videos; i am now stuck trying to find a pair of glasses to wear in lab as contacts are not allowed. needless to say, that wasn't in the budget. bleh, but oh well.

i have my own drawer, filled with my own beakers, erlenmeyer flasks, watch glasses, and pipettes. i purchased my own safety goggles at the bookstore along with the required textbook, lab notebook (with carbonless copy capability), and manual. i went to the register, and as the lady swiped my credit card, i had a sudden flash of undergrad all over again -- the amount i paid for three science books would have bought me a full courseload of class books as a liberal arts major. yikes.

there's still something so lovely about brand new books, though, even if they cost you an arm and a leg.

anyway. after class, i hopped the halsted bus to harrison, and then took the 7 to paulina and rush university -- my dream school -- to meet my bf, who was there for the day doing some research. the bus dropped me off in front of the bookstore. dickies brand scrubs (who knew?) were hanging in the window, as well as white lab coats. past the racks, i could see a wealth of health science books. cardiology, radiology, opthamology...

"nursing fundamentals"

i couldn't resist.

i walked in the door, and was greeted by a skeleton sitting on a table, dressed in a suit and holding an antique surgical kit. he was cool. on the table next to him (among the multicolored doctor and nurse beanie baby bears) were boxes of netter's anatomy flashcards. even cooler. behind him and to the left was the shelf with the nursing school texts. i walked over, and stared at them, scanning the titles in my mind. critical care fundamentals. emergency room nursing procedures. pediatric nursing neuroscience. pathophysiology.

at that moment, everything came sharply into focus. this is what i am working for. in a year and a half's time, i will be standing here again, purchasing these books for class. it was more than just wanting it to happen -- that i've been feeling for months, ever since i made the decision to do this. at that moment, i could taste it. it was the best feeling in the world. i was standing there with my chemistry and my algebra books weighing down my bag, and in front of me was the goal, the point, the entire meaning of everything i've been working so hard for since i quit H&M. i felt calm. complete. awash in warm feelings of the purest determination, i felt the panicky anxieties of all my life's recent choices melt away. and i knew in that moment that the months, and year ahead of me, are going to be magnificent.

here's to making the life you want happen! :) off to study for my algebra test.

crikey.

2006-09-04T14:36:48Z

rest in peace

:(

well, well, well

2006-08-26T01:56:10Z

chicago's pizza has an online ordering option. we'll see if it actually gets here; either way, it's amazing what you can do on the interweb these days.

normally i wouldn't eat something fattening and unhealthy like pizza, but tonight's a treat (that, i'm not drinking, and i've had salads with/for lunch all week). it's the end of my third week at work, and i'm getting a handle on things pretty well. today i got a ton of stuff done, and i made decent headway on the excel sheets i'm supposed to manage, and re-learning how to program it in the process. i have to tinker with them this weekend, but i don't mind. i'm geeky enough to reap an enormous amount of satisfaction when all the rows and columns add up perfectly. i am determined to master my (minor) phobia of math through this job.

that's the good side of why taranee gets pizza tonight. the other side is frustrations with dating and the opposite gender in general. i won't go into details, suffice to say it's been the kind of week (and month and year) that deserves pizza and a favorite movie on a friday night.

right now, the brightest spots in my life center around my new job. first off, it's a new job, and it's 9 to 5. i'm making friends at the lab, and been slowly developing a little more of a social life. last night was some fun :). and, i went to an information session for the school of continuing studies earlier this week. i'm all set, and ready to register for classes on monday. it's incredibly, impossibly cheap-- as an employee, i can get a degree for $177 a class. no fucking joke. and as a student at large (by not enrolling in any specific degree program or major) i'm not bound by any prerequistes. i can design my entire curriculum, and study whatever i goddamn well want. this fall, i believe it's going to be biology and anatomy. classes are once a week for 3 hours and no labs this time around, so i'll have plenty of time to do homework and still manage my job.

sometimes i feel all this is too good to be true. i'm wondering when the other shoe will drop, when my job will suddenly raise an ugly head and i'll see what is going to make me miserable, when school completely kicks my ass and i'm unhappy and adrift all over again.

things are different now, and i'm working really hard to believe in it. i'm coming at life with a positivity that's almost unprecedented with me. cross your fingers.

i feel pretty

2006-08-24T03:53:41Z

besides the asian actresses, i also got jet li (LOL), jo jo, keira knightley, and (of all people) hedy lamarr. omg.

upon later efforts, i got a slew of obscure japanese girly girl actresses, and patrick stewart. :)

"of course i support lesbians-- i used to be one."

2006-08-20T00:02:14Z

it seems i get all my current social and political rants from reading the new york times. i suppose there are worse places to get informed.

rant of the day -- WHY do lesbians get so up in arms when a woman wants to become a man?

this was one (of the many reasons) i didn't like chasing amy-- the disdain and exclusion whatshername got from her lesbian friends when she told them she was dating a man. and in today's times is an article about when jane becomes jack. women were quoted as saying things like women becoming men is akin to treason, to going over to the enemy, to no longer caring or standing up for women's rights, and/or lesbian rights.

what the fuck? first of all, are you not seeing the rampant hypocrisy of your position? maybe you do or you don't seek acceptance in a heteronormative society, assimilation is not necessarily liberation. but surely you want the same rights and priveleges the "accepted" forms of couplehood have. you want to be looked at as a normal part of society, free to live the way you want to live, the way you feel you were *wired* to live. so why do you hate and discriminate against women who feel that they should have been born men? i guarantee none of those transgendered men will question your desire to be a lesbian, what right do you have to exclude them, call them traitors, and think that the minute they become men, they will become the oppressors, keeping women down? you think the presence of a grafted on penis is going to instantly create a sexist, republican voting anti-gay marriage man? what is wrong with you?

and what about men who decide to become women? i don't hear any rumblings about how they are betraying the gay male population by becoming women, how the presence of womanly breasts is going to make them men haters.

what has happened here? when did this become a war between lesbians and everyone else? the article talked about the "michigan womyn's music festival", which i am horrified to say, only invites "women who were born women, and who live as women". like the very spelling of "womyn", a policy like this that (theoretically) excludes heterosexual women and transgendered women, comes across as little more than childish freshmen in college brainless activism bullshit* and completley counterproductive. just because i am wired to desire men (as you are wired to desire women) does not mean i think harold bloom sucks any less, or quench my desire to make ann coulter cry through systematically dismantling her entire arsenal of warped ideologies. it reminds me of when ani difranco, folk singer and lesbian idol figure, went and got married to her (male) producer. people buzzed about what a "betrayal" it was, yada yada. just because she has dreadlocks and piercings and sings women power music doesn't mean she has to be a fucking lesbian, and just because she isn't, or because she chooses to be with a man (for all we know she's bi) isn't reason enough to vilify her or call her a 'traitor' to "the cause". the stereotyping and assumptions made here are mirror images of the ones anti-gay bigots and the religious ultra-right have against you.

on the same side of a different coin, dan savage was lectured in his column this week for the past two weeks of bitter vitriol he's put into his columns about the state of gay marriage in this country. YES it's a problem, YES, i think you should be able to get married. so why are you spreading the hate and the bitterness? why do you have to cut down the 'straights' and 'breeders'?

i (and others like me, male and female) are not the fucking enemy. lighten up.

*don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with activism, in college or otherwise. my problem is the kids who go to college, and start protesting everything in sight without really thinking about what they are saying. for example, it's all well and good to protest 'survivor' because they eat rats, but i guarantee you won't be so loving to rats if you found one in your dorm room. it's commendable to protest sweatshops in third world countries, but have you thought about what the sweatshop workers are going to do once you shut down their factory? are you going to provide them with a meaningful job to make ends meet? as bad as sweatshops are, i think women and children would prefer that over prostitution. *basically*, thoughtless activism and loud public protesting irritate the hell out of me because in the end, they don't do anything. this isn't the 60s, people. it's a different world, and change has to come about a different way.

after four days of skinned knees and friction burns...

2006-08-19T03:37:45Z

ok, go!

windycitylotus @ 2006-08-18T20:44:00

2006-08-19T01:43:37Z

my old job just paid me out my unused vacation and sick time.

WOW.

:) i am very, very happy. to celebrate, i paid my bills, put some money away in savings, and treated myself to rainer maria's new album. debating whether or not to take advantage of the threadless sale and get yet one more t-shirt. i'm selling some books tomorrow, if i make some cash maybe i will.

compounded with the fact it's friday, life is good. very, very good.

windycitylotus @ 2006-08-16T21:00:00

2006-08-17T01:58:30Z

omfg. some genius at research in motion and apple went and wrote a program to make blackberries compatible with macs. i am SYNCd, baby. hott.

it's not my fault, i'm genetically predisposed to be an asshole

2006-08-15T03:18:52Z

when i was in calgary in july, i saw a special on tlc that followed the stories of five or six morbidly obese people-- how they lost incredible amounts of weight through stomach stapling, and how many of them sadly gained it all back and more. cat scans were shown signaling increases of dopamine in their brains when given food after a period of denial. individuals interviewed in the study talked about how they "just couldn't help it" even though they knew what their eating was doing to them. the whole gist of the program implied that these people were genetically wired to overeat.

there is an article in this week's new york times magazine about the existence of "obesity genes"-- the first one was discovered in the early 90s, and since then over 50 genes linked to obesity have been "identified". with all due sympathy, the times points out: "People like Janet, who can get fat on very little fuel, may be genetically programmed to survive in harsher environments. When the human species got its start, it was an advantage to be efficient. Today, when food is plentiful, it is a hazard."

RIDICULOUS. if this is true, and there is an "obesity gene", why does it mainly afflict people in first world and developed countries like the US? what is the "harsh environment" that these people are wired for, when we have entire countries of people in africa that are desperately poor and starving. shouldn't they have this gene? shouldn't they have adapted to eating rocks and sand by now? and what about the increasing obesity rates in economically devleoped/developing countries like thailand and singapore? kids are getting fatter over there too. have they spontaneously developed the fat gene? has anyone checked the correlation between the fat gene and the spread of the mc donalds franchise? that special on tlc quietly slipped in the fact that the study participants were fucking *starved* before they were hooked up to the cat scan machine and had chocolate cake dangled before them. who the hell *wouldn't* have a surge of dopamine in their brains when presented with your favorite food after being forced to go hungry?

the article continues on to discuss other theories of obesity-- our metabolism slows down in times of plenty, since we live in a constant state of plenty, well that explains obese people. or, there are microbes in our guts, that we accumulate in the first few years of our lives. the combination of certain microbes makes the individual extract *more* calories and *more* polysaccharides out of the food they eat, so eating the same food as someone without those microbes will make them fatter faster. or, it's a virus akin to one found in chickens in india.

i'm not a scientist, and i'm perfectly willing to say it's a strong possibility that our biological makeup is implicated in what we look like, how much we eat, how quickly/slowly we lose weight. that it's not just a matter of a lack of self control. but does this mean there's an intelligence gene? a genetic predisposition to being good at math? hell, maybe that would explain why so many asians are in the sciences and engineering disciplines. is there an "acting" or "artistic" gene? through gene therapy, could i become the next meryl streep? do murderers have a genetic tendency towards violence? do lincoln park trixies and people who shop at abercrombie have a biological predisposition towards being assholes? do cubs and sox fans have a similar gene somewhere that links their sports inclinations?

of course this is an exaggeration. no one says that obesity is solely a genetic and biological factor. but what they *are* saying, is that for some people it's harder to lose weight, it's easier for them to gain weight. the times put forth a theoretical pair of people-- both of the same weight, but one had previously been obese. you can give them the same amount of calories, but the one that has previously been obese has to consistently eat less in order to maintain her weight.

there are some big people in my family, but no one is obese. maybe it's because we're asian and we just tend to not be obese. i gained a bunch of weight back in college, i wasn't obese but i was about 30 pounds heavier than i am now-- my body mass index calculation put me firmly in the "overweight" category. is it my genetic predisposition to not be fat that helped me lose all that weight in two years? or was it the fact that i busted my ass and worked out three times a week because i had found an exercise class i loved? i've never been a strong math student, does that mean that no matter how hard i work, i will never understand calculus and i will never pass physics?

why would people living in first world countries like america and canada and europe have this gene to help them store up all this food (and because of their economic circumstances, inadvertently make them fat) over people who are living in countries where the majority of the population lives in extreme poverty and at risk of starvation and has lived in that condition for decades, if not in perpetuity?

could it have something to do with the fact that it's incredibly expensive to live a healthy lifestyle in this country? that it's cheaper to live off mcdonalds and other fast foods than to buy salad fixings and tofu? whole foods and trader joes certainly don't have dollar menus. (to me it's akin to how expensive it is to get an education in this country. hell, buying a fucking book these days is an investment. why does it cost over $40 to own an anthology of literature, or over $100 to buy a biology textbook?)

could it also have something to do with our culture of instant gratification? i want this and i want it now. i am entranced by the venti caramel macchiato frappucino with extra whipped cream from starbucks because, hey, i need coffee in the morning.

it's never just nurture, but we can't place more blame on nature as a consequence. i am much more inclined to share the culpability with nonbiological factors-- availability of food, economic circumstances, being taught to make healthy food choices, and consciously choosing to take care of our bodies. not everyone can be stick thin and gorgeous, some of us will never be a size 0. but it's a sign of our ridiculously pampered culture of self-entitlement that we shift the causes of obesity in our corner of the world onto microbes and genetic predisposition instead of acknowledging its role as one amid MANY factors that lead us to look and act the way we do.

windycitylotus @ 2006-08-06T20:59:00

2006-08-07T01:58:40Z

i can imagine what you're doing out there.

and i imagine the way i feel about that is how you'd feel if you knew what i've been up to out here.

finally, someone said it

2006-08-01T06:43:50Z

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/30/us/30pastor.html?ex=1154577600&en=1caf975f71e8a6b5&ei=5087%0A

he's still anti-abortion and not so fond of homosexuality, which is not cool. but if more priests and religious preachers were like this, i think the church and faithful christians in general would do much more good in this world than they are at the moment. people have such an aversion to religion these days that if you even *mention* jesus in everyday conversation, this air of uncomfortable expectation appears, as we all expect the anti-gay anti-abortion republican george dubya let's save iraq sex is bad have lots of christian babies god bless america tirade. it's not very fair to religion, in my opinion.

what is religion, anyway, but a set of nice ideals tied together by a good story? the essence of christianity, minus the conservative political rhetoric, is let's be kind to everyone, and encourage kindness in return. like douglas adams said in the hitchhiker series, jesus was a man who was nailed to a tree for saying we should all be nice to each other. let's not kill people, let's help those less fortunate than ourselves. let's remember there's more to life than earning money. honestly, if religion can evoke this in people, then believe away. hell, i might even go to church more often. but in the incarnation it's taken in 21st century america, it's become a terrible war, narrowed down to black and white. it's christianity vs islam. the moral and godly against the immoral gays, lesbians, promiscuous sex out of wedlock abortion lovers. the supporters of the war in iraq vs the disloyal and unpatriotic.

the problem is not just that christianity has become so politicized, but it's turned into a supernatural idol worship (akin to buddhism in asia), and completely bypasses the original message, and the entire point in the first place.if religion can galvanize the masses to go out there and feed the poor and clothe the needy, who cares if you believe in the story or not? if there is an afterlife, i think god or whatever is up there will be much happier if you were a good person and did nice things for other people than whether you went to church every fucking sunday and wholeheartedly believed you were eating the body and blood of christ.

in completely unrelated and self-serving news, i was in a religion class taught by randall balmer (mentioned in the article) for half a semester when i was a freshman at barnard because my friend thought he was hot (which he is). in hindsight, there's something amusingly taboo about lusting after an evangelical professor who's married with two kids. i ended up dropping it because (i think) class at 9am just wasn't my deal at the time, and no amount of hotness was really worth all that effort.

can it already

2006-07-30T07:28:07Z

saw 'scoop' tonight. enjoyable, funny enough to evoke some laughs. scarlett johansson is hot, as is hugh jackman. woody allen, however, has only gotten more annoying with age. can he ever play anyone but a stuttering, anxiety-ridden jewish man with deadpan humor?

never seen 'match point', but i hear it's better than 'scoop'. dear readers, what do you think?

in other news, i enjoyed my company well enough. we shall see. this whole 'dating' thing, so new to me.

windycitylotus @ 2006-07-29T16:47:00

2006-07-29T16:48:15Z

I will miss you when you go.

brave new world

2006-07-26T21:16:14Z

In the spirit of my previous post gushing about my blackberry--

Once again I implicate myself as part of the twentysomething twentyfirst century generation. From where I sit on this bus, I canm count five people, not including myself, with the trademark white ipod ear buds dangling down their fronts. I confess I look worse than most, plugged into my ipod and poking away at my crackberry.

Apple really struck gold with this ipod phenomenon, even with its notorious bugs.an amazing blend of innovation, and really clever marketing.

Time to rejoin the real world-- this bucket of bolts I'm on feels like it's going to break down. Uh oh.

i am addicted...

2006-07-26T18:45:44Z

Now I know why it's called the CrackBerry. Not only can I update LJ (like I am right now), I can check my email, send texts, surf the web quickly and easily, use aim and icq, *i just downloaded google tallk for the blackberry*. No fucking joke. I can chat with anyone, anytime, anywhere.

I'm such a fucking twentysomething -- I'm an internet and email addict, and I am never out of touch with my crackberry, and I am never without my ipod.

At least I don't drive. At this rate, I'd have a fucking jetta.

i didn't add this to my post from last night

2006-07-26T06:26:44Z

but it makes sense in light of what i said-- i said what i did because at the end of the seminar i was at, we were all given a handout with an oddly inspiring maxim from soren kirkegaard. it's not ironic so much as it's perfectly apt that a seminar held by an international capitalist conglomerate would use an existentialist (especially one like kirkegaard) as an inspirational quote to work by.

this is what happens when you read camus at 2am

2006-07-25T07:24:17Z

managment at my job has a series of workshops we're to attend, to inform/refresh our memories as to policies, procedures, and develop us to be better managers, blah blah blah. i remember one in particular i went to, it was about symbolic leadership and how we as leaders can develop our associates to become leaders themselves. in of itself, a good idea, and one not just applicable to the job.

maybe this is obvious to everyone; it's probably already been written about extensively. but it strikes me all of a sudden that capitalism is a purely existential enterprise. we're talking about human choice, individual freedom, our existence is what we make of it. morality is as subjective and individual as we are.

there are different aspects of this. i suppose the idealistic capitalist existentialist is the ideal product of my workshop seminar-- someone who takes the intiative to develop their staff, be a better leader, to look forward and blah blah. that's not really existentialism per se, it's living and working under a dictated and purposeful framework. adhere to these values, and look how far you will go. believe in yourself, believe in the people around you. you create your environment, you make your life what it is. reading existential philosophy, initially it sounds like a good idea, but then look how unhappy i've been. perhaps it's just my own personality of needing assurance, and encouragement that i'm doing a good job, but who out there doesn't want to know their hard work has been appreciated? existentialism in this incarnation doesn't support hard work-- it only spurs you to work harder. yes, here is a monetary reward called 'salary' for doing good work, but you can always do better. it was something constant with my job-- no matter how hard i worked, i could always have worked harder.

are the chinese existentialists? that particular work ethic is pretty asian-sounding to me-- work hard, and then work harder, and you will succeed. but it's in asia that buddhism predominates, which (and the_urban_monk should correct me if i'm wrong) largely seems to advocate peace within your circle of the world, and a calm, positive acceptance. it appreciates the beauty in the world around us as it stands, whereas wouldn't existentialism demand we choose to make our life better because it can always be better?

then again, we can just as easily choose to not make our lives better at all, but to live within our own self-specified comfort zone. capitalism is a rabid form of existentialism, driven by money and success.

and this is where the thinking out loud stops, and i put away the plague and get ready for bed, which is long overdue.

i did it

2006-07-24T05:44:42Z

i turned in my resignation friday and it felt fabulous. i have a new apartment lined up too-- i'll be taking over bernie's half of his apartment when he leaves for france in october. it's perfect timing, as my own lease is up on september 30. there might be a little overlap between me moving in and he moving out, but hopefully it won't be too much of a problem.

life feels decently good at the moment. working out my last two weeks, emailing with northwestern regarding evening classes, a new apartment all set up... my life is finally moving forward again.

i'm a little nervous, which is par for the course for me. the usual worries that i'm not smart enough, that i won't be able to "do it".. at the same time, i don't know that i've ever been this motivated in my life towards school. i'm hoping that stands for something. and, i tell myself, at the worst if i don't think science is going to work out, i'll be in a school system and can just try something else. there's a lot more potential and possibility working at a university than working retail...

in yesterday's chicago sun times...

2006-07-20T19:12:16Z

was a front page article about this young white teenage boy who was beaten up by some kids. the article went on to say that the attackers went at him because he was a "goofy looking white boy". the headline on the article screamed "IT WAS A HATE CRIME". unbelievable.

i was laughing with a co-worker, who is a gay cuban american woman, and we were like "WELCOME TO OUR WORLD."

over it

2006-07-20T15:01:39Z

i talked to my parents, who made me feel a lot better about everything. money will work itself out. this is a chance to start over again!

hopefully hr emails me today, and i can go turn this letter in and be freeee. and then it's time to pick up a reader and look for new apartments! possibilities include lincoln square, rogers park, edgewater, and uptown...

and have you done your bit for the war on terror today?

2006-07-05T03:25:43Z

so, to amuse and irritate the canadian side of our family, a cake was bought today that said 'happy birthday usa', and we presented it to our family patriarch, complete with sparklers and noisemakers. he laughed, told us to cut it and get it off his table. it was dispersed among the heads of the ~~five~~ seven families.

needless to say, it was delicious. i could just taste the freedom in every bite.

happy fourth, folks.

"it's one of those 'circle of life' things.."

2006-06-24T02:52:07Z

today my dad and i drove up to milwaukee to visit my sister's grave. it's become somewhat of a pilgrimage; whenever my mom and dad are anywhere in the midwest, they take a special trip to see her. i wasn't able to go when my mom and brother were visiting, so i went with dad today.

it was a good day for it, bright and sunny but crispy cool. when my mom visited last month, her grave was apparently all overgrown with grass and weeds, so my mom cleaned it off and left fresh silk flowers. when we got there today, someone had added a bouquet of pink and white silk carnations. we're not sure who.

resurrection cemetary doesn't have big stand-up gravestones or crypts; they're all flat-to-the-grass. my dad and i spent some time just sitting on the grass next to her grave, and looking around at the rest of the place. there are a lot of veterans buried there, and the place was literally a forest of american flags, punctuated with bursts of color from all the flowers adorning the graves.

sitting there on the grass, it suddenly struck me what an odd ritual it is to place or plant flowers before a loved one's grave. on the one hand, it's clearly the whole 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' christian concept; having been raised catholic, i can see the symbolic reasoning behind it. but looking over all the artificial flowers, and the remains of the dead 'real' flowers over some graves, it all seemed so artificial, as if the magnitude of life and death had been reduced to a petty, ritualistic expression of flowers in routine adherence to the dictates of a man-made belief system. someone, somewhere out there, put forth the notion that the dead shall be buried, and to commemorate their memory and signify our belief in rebirth and life after death, we symbolically leave flowers. and as nice and comforting as these beliefs can be for those who adhere to them, in the end that's all it is-- comfort for those left behind. whether or not you believe in an afterlife, the dead are dead and don't care whether you leave flowers, or toys, or nothing at all. the thought made me a little sad.

i was glad to visit her grave nonetheless. it's hard to believe that if she'd lived, she would be 24. i can't imagine having a 24 year old sister.

while we were in milwaukee, we also took the opportunity to drive around and visit a lot of my mom and dad's old haunts (they had met as students at marquette). my dad was happy as a clam with his digital camera, taking pictures of his old dorms and apartments, and remembering all the old streets and bars. we drove by the hospital where i was born, and the house that i lived in for the first three years of my life.

even though the main purpose of our trip wasn't the happiest, i feel strangely calm and content. life didn't stop when i was born, and it won't stop when i die. existence really is just now, and it's a really comforting thought. it clears the noise of daily life-- work, ambition, career, chance, relationships, anger-- and puts it all in perspective. in the end, all the doubt and the drama, means nothing next to simply living a good, peaceful life.

windycitylotus @ 2006-06-06T03:27:00

2006-06-06T08:49:59Z

the world is full of couples when you are single. two men on a tandem cycle bike along the concrete steps, smiling at their own novelty. the middle aged french couple, bickering over their chinese takeout. even the man who tried to pick me up here last week-- he's sitting with a rusty red-headed woman in black capris. i sit and wonder if, in the week since i last saw him, if he met this woman here at the harbor. maybe she'll like the chicken hut better than i would have.

in 'high fidelity', john cusack's character describes his and lili taylor's relationship as one of mutual convenience. that it tanes a certain 'disposition' to think you will be alone for the rest of your life at 26, and that they were both of that 'disposition'. i was amused and embarassed all in one--it's funny, and it's true. i know it's unreasonable to feel that way, but at the same time, it's hard not to feel that way.

things have changed. people don't stay in one job anymore for the rest of their lives. people don't get married right out of college, and having a family isn't everyone's number one priority. as you get older, inevitably, people start pairing off permanently. so the plight of the single is even tougher-- not only are we trying to start a career, or even figure out what kind of career it is we want, we have to balance that with the realities of living (bills, loans, rent) and try and squeeze in a personal life. hence, the upsurge of dating websites.

meeting people online is better than meeting people at bars; at least there is some semblance of getting to know the person and their interests. most everyone on those sites is around my age, mid to late twenties, early thirties. we're all in the same boat, and you'd think that with so many people floating in the same boat, we'd find someone to swim with. and with all the couples everywhere, you'd think it would be really easy. how the fuck do they make it look so easy?